How your Body Image impacts your Sex Life

What is body image?

Our body image is formed by the thoughts, feelings and beliefs we have towards our physical appearance. It is intricately multi-layered and consists of various perceptual, attitudinal, and behavioural components relating to any part of one’s body. Typically, when we think of body image, we tend to think of weight; but, body image can relate to any aspect of the human anatomy - weight, height, shape, size, hair, skin, nose, and even genitalia.

Whilst almost every single one of us has experienced the burden of body dissatisfaction at some stage, intense body aversion is associated with a poorer quality of life, mental health problems and even the risk of developing social distress, eating disorders, perilous behaviour, and body dimorphic disorder. Not all eating or body dimorphic disorders are caused by body image issues; however, acute body dissatisfaction increases the risk of such ailments and is said to be the strongest risk factor for the development of eating disorders.

 There are four aspects to body image:

1. Perceptual; the way one sees their body which is not necessarily a correct representation of how one actually looks.
   
   
2. Affective; the feelings one has about their body, often encompassing guilt, shame and self-criticism and is often classified as satisfied or dissatisfied.
   
   
3. Cognitive; the thoughts one has about their body, often associated with a preoccupation of shape or size.
   
   
4. Behavioural; the behaviours linked to engagement in body change strategies such as dieting, body building and constant cosmetic surgery.

Psychologists, who as we all know have the propensity to scientifically classify every unclassifiable aspect of human emotions, have categorised three cycles of sexual function. They are: desire, arousal, and orgasm. Often when one is interrupted, the cycle breaks - in order to have an orgasm, one needs arousal and in order to have arousal, one needs desire. If it isn’t already blatantly clear how one’s body image impacts one’s capacity for this sexual cycle to function, it will be by the time you finish this article.

Stereotypically only a female problem.

Males have long been overlooked when it comes to body image problems, with most of the research and funding focussing on adolescent girls and women suffering from purging and extreme dieting.

"Fortunately, we are starting to wake up to the fact that one need not be the owner of a vagina to be impacted by a severe dissatisfaction with one’s body image, with Australian males as young as 11 suffering from body image issues."

Although there are countless studies proving that body image isn’t as pervasive amongst men as it is with women and that it doesn’t quite interfere with their sexual function, there are just as many studies to prove otherwise. After all, one cannot overlook the sheer fact that over 1/3 of Australians experiencing eating disorders are male.

Likewise, members of the LGBTQIA community experience body image concerns unique to the nuances of gender identity and transitioning, as do people with disabilities.

Signs of body image issues:

• Depressive and anxiety symptoms;
• Increased risk of suicidal thoughts;
• Low self-esteem;
• Interpersonal problems;
• Alcohol and drug use/abuse;
• Reduced physical activity;
• Loss of sex drive;
• Stress;
• Social isolation;
• Decreased motivation to seek help;
• Unhealthy weight control behaviours such as over-exercising, use of muscle enhancing drugs or binge eating;
• Obsession with fitness and body image; and
• Perfectionistic tendencies.

Why body image issues need to be taken seriously.

"According to a 2021 study by Dr. R. L. Pearl and colleagues, more than 50% of adults from Australia, US, UK, Germany, and France experience weight stigma, with nearly 1 in 3 health club users reporting significant body dysmorphia."

Next time you’re at the gym, look around and know that nearly 1 in 3 of your fellow fitness buddies have a fear of weight gain, undergo constant body checking (that’s what the mirrors are for at the gym, isn’t it?), and are despondent due to buying into the belief that being a certain weight or looking a certain way will make them happy and successful. Body shaming isn’t a degradation merely extended to others, it is a form of derisory we all too readily put unto ourselves.

The link between body image, relationships, and libido.

I’m sure most of you kinksters would agree that it is enormously difficult to feel provocative and inviting when we are self-conscious. “I feel so utterly attractive right now as I focus on my grotesquely colossal tummy and disgustingly flat-as-a-boardbut-not-so-easy-to-nail butt” said no one ever. When we feel objectionable it becomes virtually impossible to feel any desire or passion, but makes it very probable that we’ll feel frigid and reserved.

Don’t believe me? Next time you’re experiencing poor self-esteem with relation to any aspect of your body, think of your most desired celebrity crush asking you passionately to undress and reveal what you perceive to be your most unseemly self. Chances are your feelings of inadequacy and humiliation will prevail, leaving little room for desire, arousal and let’s not even entertain the orgasm.

A withered libido is not all that’s at stake - deeply connecting with one’s intimate partner is an enormously sad casualty of poor body image.

"Instead of two people sharing a profoundly moving moment with one another, we have a woman who wishes she was slimmer and a man who wishes he was musclier get together and indulge in fake throaty moans and groans whilst they turn blue from sucking in their stomachs and pull a muscle by attempting to accentuate the largeness of their biceps. But, they’re only robbing themselves."

Inevitably at the end of their unfulfilling closeness, they tune into the internet and wonder what magical ingredient the jovial people on Instagram seem to posses that makes them have so much darn fun.

For people who struggle with body image, contending with their own thoughts about their body is often only one part of the story; far more deeper is what they believe their partner thinks of their body. Although it may be difficult, being patient and understanding whilst your partner deals with body image issues is a crucial step in the healing process. You may hear your partner tell you that you’ll leave them, for “who could love someone like this?” You may find them distant and unloving at times, even hurtful. Do not shame your partner for having the perception that they do, instead encourage them to seek professional help. With the issue being so prevalent in our society today, there are countless resources which can assist. Do not pressure your partner into being intimate, but do share with them that their low self-esteem issues do lead to avoidance of sexual activity and speak openly and vulnerably (without judgement) how this impacts you and your relationship with them.

Some places where you could get help:

• Your GP;
• A psychologist or counsellor;
• The Butterfly Foundation https://butterfly.org.au;
• Eating Disorders Victoria https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au;
• Australia Alopecia Areata Foundation https://aaaf.org.au; and
• Body Dysmorphic Foundation https://bddfoundation.org.

The media has a lot to answer for.

Ceaseless influx of imagery displaying god-like perfection bombards us from the internet, TV shows, movies, magazines, and ads feeding (and at times creating) feelings of inadequacy and body image issues. Experimental research, which can be backed by this very author, has shown that media can actually cause otherwise satisfied people to feel unhappy with their bodies and to have a largely unattainable unrealistic expectation of how they ought to look. “If only I had…” becomes the unconscious narrative for so many of us.

Before long, we find ourselves feeling ashamed, unhappy and go to great lengths to achieve our ideal by engaging in dangerous dieting and drug enhancement, as well as withdrawing from our most intimate and important relationships.

So you’ve bought into the mantra that thin and muscular is synonymous with beauty, now what? Here are 6 steps to how you can change your body image.

1. UNFOLLOW; Short of living in a media vacuum, which seems impossible even for toddlers nowadays, changing your relationship with the Internet is your first step. Unfollow Photoshopped models on Instagram (see pathetic before and after Calvin Klein ad of Justin Bieber’s bulge). Subscribe to real people whose courage to show their imperfect true self inspires others. It’s easy to share when it’s fake, the true influencers are the ones who move and inspire others with the harsh realities of life. Anyone can be pretty with filters, but not everyone can be pretty without them. For every fake person you unfollow, follow a real one and try to spice it up a little with profiles that aren’t so appearance focussed (they DO exist!). Some of the most beautiful women I’ve seen on Instagram are plus sized women showing off their bodies in revealing yoga pants and lightly clad erotic photography. I am in awe of their beauty and confidence, they have inspired me on the days I wanted to cover my size 8 cellulite legs (a guy at the gym had the audacity to actually say I was “skinny fat”). After you’ve unfollowed the fakers and Dr. Jordan Peterson, take a break from other media too such as body building and beauty magazines and filter what you expose your eyes and mind to.
   
   
2. WAIT; Understand that body image develops over the course of a life, so be patient with yourself. Your concerns most likely didn’t happen over night and will take some time and effort to shift. Go on a quest to distinguish the source of your body image and reflect on what it actually means vs what you made it mean. For instance; my breasts are lopsided means… Well, that my breasts are lopsided - nothing more, nothing less. It doesn’t mean it’s beautiful or that it’s not beautiful. What did I make it mean? I am not sexy, I am not worthy of desire, I am not enough. One is fact, the other is meaning I attached.
   
   
3. REACH OUT; Apart from seeking professional help, reach out to other people who have similar stories and share your concerns. We always feel better when we share the load. This is particularly important for men who tend to be far more conservative and restricted with their sharing. There is nothing effeminate in admitting one’s struggles and feelings - on the contrary, the vulnerable person is often the strongest in the room.
   
   
4. CELEBRATE; Unsubscribe from your own negative body talk. Let the moment you become aware of negative body talk be the trigger for you to focus on something you appreciate about your body. If you struggle to find anything positive, focus on its functionality. I never appreciated my legs until I met a man in a wheelchair who told me, “Be kind to your knees.” After you’ve come up with at least one positive appearance related quality, turn your attention to a positive quality or skill you have as a person.
   
   
5. GOALS; The thing about goals is they have to be realistic and achievable in order to work. Focus on changing factors that are within your control, change your eating and physical activity goals from weight loss or muscle bulking to experiencing prime health. Focus on the benefits of physical activity for physical, mental and social health, rather than for changing the size or shape of your body.
   
   
6. RELATIONSHIPS; If your body image is worsening due to someone else’s shameful comments about your body, unfollow them. Your true friends will encourage you but never pressure or shame you. Take turns in talking to your partner about your body image. Believe and trust them when they tell you all the things they appreciate about you. Practice mindfulness on your own as well as mindful intimacy (synchronising your breaths, giving each other sensual massages, holding one another and looking into each other’s eyes etc.).

"So your arms are insignificant and your labia resembles the red fleshy lobes of skin under a rooster’s neck? It doesn’t make you insufficient, unlovable or not sexy enough."

Your body image doesn’t have to affect your sex life. Specific concerns you may have about your body, its size, shape and the number that ticks over when you step on the scales will dissipate if you make a conscious effort to shift your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have.

Anxiety due to body image is the strongest predictor of orgasm problems, so take the pressure off, talk to your partner about your worries, do something that makes you feel sexy (good excuse to make him watch all those Chris Hemsworth movies with you), engage in mindfulness on your own and with your person and every time you look in the mirror and see your thinning hair or crooked nose or wriggly arms, focus on your redeeming features that are uniquely yours and give your reflection a high five and a kiss.

If all else fails, Googling before and after Photoshop or plastic surgery imagery of models (look up butt padding underwear) and in no time you’ll feel better.

So how about it, my lovelies, have you struggled with body image? I wold love to hear from you. Comment below and share your beautiful courageous self with your AdultShop family where judging and shaming is so not a thing.

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sex consultant and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.