9 ways to tell your partner about your fetishes

 So let's say you’re like my friend George and you’ve always wanted to try pegging (when a woman wears a strap-on and penetrates her partner anally). You probably wouldn’t share it with your partner by pulling out a mean looking strap-on dildo during foreplay and saying “Honey this is for you! I want you to take me… Up the ass.” She would, naturally, have so SO many questions. Firstly, how does a woman even do this the first time? She needs time to learn by researching the informative world of online adult erotica - trust me, I speak from personal experience.

If you have finally decided that life is too short and that you deserve to get what you want sexually without shame, know that there is the right way of sharing your fetishes with your partner and then there is the wrong way. And then there is the "That Which Cannot be Unsaid" way; this refers to those times when you share and your partner looks at you differently for a really really long time.

I am reminded of my Mr. Almost Perfect who once told me, before we were even intimate, that he was into Skat. Then, quite abruptly, he became the Mr. Ex We Shall Not Speak About for neither me nor my girlfriends had the stomach to discuss him ever again. I just couldn’t get past his fetish!

What is the difference between fantasy, kink, and fetish?
Whilst many of us have fantasies that are enjoyable to masturbate to without involving our partners, kink demands a different sort of attention. Technically, “kink” refers to pleasure beyond normative penetrative sex, whilst “fetish” refers to sexual arousal derived from an inanimate object. Not all of us have fetishes or kinks. Judging other’s fantasies according to our own is wrong as we are all extraordinarily different personalities. Failure to disclose your fetishes to your partner can mean you’re missing out on a fulfilling life and may end in animosity, cheating or even breakups due to sexual dissatisfaction (you don’t want that!). Some fetishes your partner may not be able to actualize. For instance; if you share with your partner that your fantasy is to be raped - it is virtually impossible for your partner to “rape” you if you are expecting him/her to “attack” you any given moment. You’ll know then that it’s the rape fantasy and therefore you will crave it - automatically disqualifying it as rape. Just ask the lady in witty Aussie comedy "The Little Death".

1000 years ago, when I was young and without today’s bravery, I couldn’t tell my partner that I wanted him to slap me during sex. The only way I could do it was to slap him myself whilst we were making love in the hope that he would return the gesture - I mean isn’t that the most conspicuous thing to do?! Well, the poor guy literally didn’t know what hit him - he was left shocked and confused, and not at all following my blatant and hardly ambiguous request for some good old fashioned spanking. Awkward! This moment of my life (and several others) is not one I am overly proud of, and so I’m here to help you avoid this exact dismal blunder with the below tips: -

1. First things first - figure out what your fetishes are
Grasping what, how and why is important. If you expect your partner to understand your fetishes, you must first understand them yourself. If a guy wants a threesome with two women, his partner may think that he just wants to bed another woman. The reality may be entirely different; he may find it arousing to see his partner pleasured by another female. It’s far more empowering, to you and potentially to your partner, if you fathom what your fantasy is about.

2. Normalise it
Normalise the fetish in your mind and quieten any harsh judgements you may have. Sexual fantasies are remarkably complex, and as long as you are not harming anyone else, there is nothing wrong with you having such desires. If you have shared your fantasies in the past only to have them met with smug reactions, let go of this. It will merely make you nervous when you bring it up the next time and will ensure yet another bumbling experience (not great!). If you discuss your fantasy with calmness and confidence, your partner will feel comfortable discussing it (and perhaps later taking part in it). So if you want them to be receptive, get comfortable with your fantasy and accept it.

3. Play a game
If your partner is a square or if you’re overly nervous, be playful about it; make it fun and less noticeable by introducing it as a game. You can do this by taking a sex questionnaire to see how far you would both go (you can either make up the questions yourself or do an online sex quiz). Alternatively, you could talk hypotheticals - “Would you ever?” and “Have you ever?” This way you are starting off slow and expressing your fantasies in a non-confrontational manner removing any judgment from the conversation. Human Sex Map is another fun game to play where you can add "Strictly Fantasy Only" pins or "Things I’d Like to Try" pins to an entire range of human sexuality.

4. Use references
Share movies (whether it’s Fifty Shades, Netflix’s Wanderlust or actual adult erotica), literature (Henry Miller or erotica) and even songs to share your particular kink with your partner. By using pop-culture references, you can say to your partner “Wow I would love to try that” and simultaneously gauge their response.

5. A little at a time
Whatever your kink may be, take the R18+ version of it and introduce it into your X18+ rated sex session. This way you are gradually and slowly exposing your partner to your fetish which will make it less frightful for them than if you whip out, let's say, something like the Bondage Kit on your second date.

6. Sell it
If you deliver your message with apprehension and uneasiness, chances are your partner may not be so enamoured with your newfound announcement. If you make it tempting and alluring, however, they will be more likely to indulge in your kink - EVEN IF they don’t find the actual act a sexual turn on, they will most likely get something out of making you all hot and horny.

Similarly, incorporating your partner as an intricate part of the fantasy can be empowering and thus may contribute to them being more responsive. If you fantasise about being in a gang bang, for heaven's sake make sure your partner is one of the people in the gang banging you!

7. Reassure your partner
Be sure to let your partner know that you love what they do in bed and that the fetish isn’t there to fix or replace any aspect of your sexual life, but merely that it is a part of you that you feel confident enough to share with them (which is also a positive reflection on them).

8. Don’t get defensive
Depending on your kink and your partner, he/she may be perturbed and have lots of questions for you - especially if your fantasy involves pain or non-sexual bodily fluids. Part of what makes kink sexy is that it is forbidden, scandalous and goes against social norms. If kink is foreign to your partner, it’s only natural for them to be ridden with questions. Be patient with them and answer as much as you can.

9. Be open
Just because you have a diaper fetish and your partner doesn’t, it doesn't automatically mean you’re destined to lead a banal sex life. Why not find a similar kink that turns you both on? The search alone sounds exhilarating if you ask me!

Can you think of a tip #10 that could help someone share their fetishes with their partner? Have you had any experiences - positive or negative?

Comment below, I can’t wait to hear from you!

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.