Anal Sex - The most misunderstood deed of them all

Before Mr. T made it big as a TV star in the ‘80s, he was an esteemed bodyguard for a diverse collection of clients including prostitutes, preachers and the rich and famous. I can relate to good old Mr. T, as it was with the same ferocity I once guarded my back door when eager hands came a-knocking. Yes, I said “once”.

What did our ancestors have to say?
Many of our deepest notions about sex were founded in the Middle Ages, especially by the Church’s oftentimes perplexed, and other times severe, pronouncements. One of the many sexual laws the Church passed was that anal sex, and oral sex, were acts of sin as they were practiced purely for gratification - and what is sex for if not to procreate? Homosexuality was defined as an “act against nature” and copulation in the rear was considered a crime punishable by death. Slight overreaction. Interestingly, if we look at various ancient civilizations including the Ancient Greeks, we can see that they were proud purveyors of a bit of bum fun - dating back as early as 100AD as is so often portrayed in their pottery and art.

The times are changing
Whilst anal sex is still perceived as taboo, it is becoming more prevalent amongst heterosexual women and men. Sites such as Google and our very own have reported a significant increase in the number of searches for anal videos and anal sex toys. Items such as butt plugs and anal beads have become extremely popular. A gay friend of mine loves to stir the pot by saying that the chance of a modern age woman having been “penetrated in her asshole is probably higher than that of her folding the laundry”. He really is a sweet guy I swear, he just freaks out when us girls talk about our vaginas during the weekly catch ups and so he responds with chauvinistic remarks.

Is anal sex only for gay men?
Anal sex is not synonymous with homosexuality. In fact, not all gay men love anal sex. Similarly, if you are a heterosexual man who loves anal sex (whether giving or receiving anal stimulation) it does not mean you’re gay.

So why do men want in and women want them out?
I have yet to meet a heterosexual woman who has never experienced a partner trying to see if her tush was unlocked. Men be honest - how many of you have never tried to see if your lady was open to a little butt love? If only just a little. There are the inquisitive polished men who gently try to investigate the area. Others are conspicuous - they simply, and awkwardly, attempt to insert tab A into slot B. And then there are those that “accidentally” mistake her back door for her front door. Easy to do fellas.

Several years ago at an adult industry trade show I thought the best place to seek expert advice on this sticky matter was from adult movie starlets who were off-screen and relaxed in a social setting. So do these gorgeous starlets really, I mean truly, enjoy anal sex or is their performance worthy of an Oscar award? I was struck by the answer I heard. Firstly, they told me that this was the most common question asked by women. Not “What do your parents think of your profession?” or “Does your kid’s teacher know what you do?” But “Do you really like anal sex?” Turns out us ladies are a little preoccupied with this topic! Every single starlet I asked, and believe me I asked several, said that they genuinely enjoyed anal. Say whaaaat? Most said they actually preferred to have anal sex with their male co-stars. Turns out vaginal intercourse was more intimate and the starlets were uncomfortable with that level of intimacy with someone they didn’t know or particularly like. Many remarked that when done correctly, it is extremely enjoyable and more than half said that they engaged in anal sex with their real life partners. These words struck a chord with me: “When done correctly”…

What does it mean “when done correctly”?
So what made me ditch my anus bouncer like ways? Turns out that when you really like someone, you’re more willing to try things you thought you’d never try before. Like watching Vin Diesel movies.

I know it sounds corny - but being in a mutually caring and fulfilling relationship with a giving partner is what made me convert from analphobe to anal backer. Blowing your partner’s mind is something that is wonderfully sexy and once I started talking to my partner about the possibility of us having anal, the idea became more and more erotic and therefore attractive to me. Would I have anal if I was on my own? Probably not. Does this mean it will be pleasurable for him only? It doesn’t have to. That’s when I realized - women have been doing it wrong all along.

Somewhere along the line, us ladies decided that anal sex is for men - only. And the “selfless” few who yearned to prove their love - by offering their very own sphincter to the Phallic God - did so merely for validation of their femininity. We’ve been doing it all wrong AND in the process we’ve been blaming men. Yes some guys are literal assholes about it, but most guys are accepting when we say no to rear romping. I’ve spoken to many younger women who have shared that anal sex is a constant expectation - they feel overwhelmed when every single guy brings it up. Girls - stop putting the pressure on yourselves. Who cares if they bring it up - it’s up to us what we do with their request and it’s up to them to respect our answer. You will have your own reasons for trying - or not trying - anal. Great communication, as well as a partner you can trust, is essential. If your partner is pressuring you into it, tell him that no asshole is allowed in your ass hole. If you want to do it for your man - do it for your man, but don’t do it ONLY for him. Do it for you. You just might be pleasantly surprised - as I was.

As for the guys out there - if your partner has outlawed anal, it is really douchey for you to pressure her into going against her own will. If you are so desperate to try anal love then go get yourself an anal masturbator and give your lady some breathing space.

Did somebody say anal orgasm?
This may be difficult to swallow for some, but you don’t have to be a prostate owner to experience orgasms from anal. I am seldom believed when I express enthusiasm for the act. Many ladies report euphoric ecstasy from anal stimulation. It makes sense - the anus is an erogenous zone, plus add the act of teetering on that sweet dangerous line between pleasure and pain - it’s really no surprise.

A small survey conducted by the Kinsey Institute showed that 94% of women interviewed reported having a sexual orgasm when having anal sex. The amazing fact was that this number was higher for anal sex than for any other sexual act. Asstonishing! (Couldn’t help it.)

Getting to the bottom of it all
The reality is that not all men are into anal and not all women object to it. There is a misconception that women who have anal sex are more in touch with their bodies and more likely to be fun in bed. But the reality is if you don’t happen to like anal, it doesn’t mean that you are a dud. Similarly, if you enjoy anal it doesn’t mean you’re dirty or gay (for men). There are probably some physiological reasons why you do, or why you don’t, like rear action. When it comes to anal, it’s time we stop focusing on performance in the bedroom and start focusing on pleasure.

Christopher Hitchens, a famous author, has famously said “The four most over-rated things in life are: champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.” Humans are wired in such a way that familiarity to anything over a period of time breeds contempt - lobster (or anal) is no exception to that rule. Many will find that the fantasy of anal sex is pleasurable, while the reality may not be.

So I put it to you - have you tried it? Was it better/worse than you thought it would be? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.