Fire in the hole! - When sex hurts

Holy hymen blaster, that shit burns!

He interprets your intake of breath as excitement and starts pumping away with wanton abandon, every thrust ripping away another layer of delicate skin. You squirm this way and then that. Maybe it’s just the wrong angle? Nope, even trying 360 degree’s of angles doesn’t lessen the pain, now he just thinks you’re some wild position changing sex freak. Not the worst thing for him to think you suppose.

Aargh! He just went too deep! You feel your cervix shrivel back intp your abdomen as the intruder pokes rudely around her property. The pain intensifies as she nails in a no entry sign and he bashes against it. You try lube, but no luck. You pull out your favourite vibe, (that you very luckily carry in your handbag at all times. Clever girl.) But even that doesn’t lessen the immense pain you’re feeling with every movement he makes.

Eventually you call a stop to it, as you just can’t handle the pain any longer. There’s the awkward moment where he’s not sure if you’re joking, but after giving him the hard stare he reluctantly peels himself off you, still shocked that his rocks remain very firmly on; not what either of you expected from this night. You slope off to the toilet to pee (no need to make the experience worse by adding a UTI right?) When you return to his hopeful face and the dreaded suggestion, “Ready to go again?” you have to let him down gently (but oh so firmly), giving him a comforting rub on the arm and instead saying, “Let’s just cuddle.”

Has this ever happened to you? From my experience as a therapist (yes, I’m fully qualified and practicing now, so can officially wave a degree in people’s face when they dare question me with ridiculous accusations such as, ‘are you sure panty hamster is the scientific name for it?’ The nerve of some people!)

Ahem, where were we? Ah yes, the fact that this is so much more common than most people think. From my short time seeing clients, one of the number one complaints I hear is that sex hurts. And the worst thing? All these women feel like they are the only ones. Well ladies, I am here to tell you that you are just one of a very very large population. We don’t talk about it much because it’s embarrassing for some, to others they just don’t feel like a woman, they feel their body is betraying them and just wish it would work ‘normally.’ Most women experience all of these thoughts at some time and they can be incredibly hard to shift once they take hold.

Alright, confession time peeps. I love sex. I love talking about it, hearing about people’s fascinating kinks and sexual tendencies. I love the psychology behind it and the delicious thrill I see when I allow space for people to talk about it anywhere and anytime. But you know what I don’t like so much?

Having sex.

Yep, the secret is out! Although most assume I am a total nympho, sex has never been particularly high on my to do list. And you know why? Because it hurts like hell. On the odd occasion where everything works well and everything is ‘just right’ (the moon is at its axis, the clock strikes ten and a white rabbit crosses the path of a blind man) then I can enjoy sex. I have even trained my body to orgasm in spite of the pain, but I very rarely look forward to it or feel desire. And you know what? That is completely normal. Why would I look forward to something that hurts? This is usually the point when people tend to seek out a sex therapist with questions like, how can I boost my desire? (Funny how they always assume they are the problem isn’t it? Food for thought there people.)

The answer is different for everyone, but the one thing that stays the same for us all is that the messages your brain sends you when you are in pain or even anticipating it are the direct opposite of what you need to become aroused. When you have experienced pain during sex even just once, the memory of that experience can cause your body to automatically tense up just when you are trying to get yourself in the mood. When this happens often enough, it creates a pattern that can be extremely hard to break.

Urgh, all well and good Claire, I hear you say, but I can’t afford to go see some fancy schmancy sex therapist!

Never fear my avid readers! Often the first step may not be therapy, but rather…. Physio.

Urgh again, how is stretching my glutes going to stop my bajingo burning every time I get jiggy with it?

Well, first of all, I very much enjoyed the Will Smith reference, but also, I’m not talking about just any regular physio, I’m talking about a pelvic physio. These peeps are specifically trained to deal with the many and varied issues all sexes may experience in the pelvic region. Now don’t get me wrong, physio’s often aren’t super cheap either, but you can often claim back on your health insurance, or get a chronic pain management plan from your doctor which can help with the cost.

The bottom line is, if you are experiencing pain during sex, it will ALWAYS be helpful to visit a physio, even just to rule out some causes. The waitlists for gyno’s are enormous and a couple of sessions of sex therapy may not be affordable for you right now, but it’s so important to do this one thing.

If you’re still thinking, nah a physio won’t help me, what a waste of money, let me tantalise you with this fun check list.

• Does sex hurt?   Y/N
• When you run or jump, does a little bit of pee come out?   Y/N
• Have you ever had a traumatic sexual experience?   Y/N
• Do you struggle to insert tampons?   Y/N
• Do you pee, like, a lot? (more than 6 times a day?)   Y/N

If you answered yes to two or more of those questions, physio is for you! Let me explain why. In this society of tighter, thinner, stronger, better and where ‘ooh you’re so tight!’ is a celebrated achievement shoved into every second adult erotica script, us as women have now got a whole new problem.

Our pelvic floor muscles are too tight.

What?! You say, how can you say that when I’m changing undies after every sneeze?

I hear you my moist mignon, but your pelvic floor muscles are like, for lack of a better word, shock absorbers. When they are not tight they bounce with you as you run, jump and hurdle your fine self through this world, successfully holding in your pee until you’re ready. When they are tight, they can no longer bounce but rather stay clamped shut constantly. That’s why little drips and drabs leak out when they are jarred. Like when you’re active or have that bloody cold that Janine spread through the whole office.

You picking up what I’m putting down? Or did that last paragraph just remind you to change your liner and I’ve lost you?

Well, either way, know that if you experience unwanted pain in any shape or form during sex, you’re not alone, there is help out there and you can work to improve it with some help from the professionals.

Stay loose ladies! (I know I’ll try!)

Until next time,
Claire W.