The Lure of Forbidden Love

People always tell me that they enjoy reading my articles. “Did that really happen to you?” They’re fascinated by my stories and experiences, but often times cannot relate to them. I decided it was time to change this. Today I am writing about something every single one of you will not only understand, but be able to write your own blog about: yearning for the unobtainable.

It happens sometimes. You meet someone, you start to like them - someone you shouldn’t like. You didn’t intentionally go out of your way to like them, it just kind of… happens. You connect with them on some level, and soon enough on another level, and, perhaps, even another. Before you know it, the texting becomes frequent (a little too frequent) and they begin to occupy your thoughts - they inspire you, they excite you, they make you feel alive.

The truth is, they have lit something in your world and now you can’t dim it down, try as you might - you can’t switch it off.

“You didn’t intentionally go out of your way to like them, it just kind of… happened.”

Throughout your day you tell yourself it’s only a bit of harmless flirting, but in those rare moments when all is still and quiet, you realise it’s wrong - you shouldn’t feel this way. So you soothe your demons with whatever your escapism go-to is, and before you close your eyes to fall asleep that evening, you utter those 5 dreaded words every single fool has told him/ herself “I’ve got this under control.”

Ah forbidden love. It has fueled some of the greatest art, literature and music known to man - not to mention crimes! Whether it’s your wife’s best friend, your married colleague, your boss, your student, the bad boy your mother always warned you about or the aloof girl who doesn’t even know you exist - the fact that they are unattainable makes them more desirable.

Why is that? Why do we yearn for the “wrong” person? This is an important question to ask ourselves. But first let me share with you…

“Why is the unattainable more desirable? This is an important question to ask ourselves.”

How I fell in love for the first time…

I recall so vividly the moment I knew I was madly in love for the very first time. It was when my substantially older than me friend-with-benefits said “You know we can’t fall in love with one another. This is just a bit of fun.”

Dear reader, it was almost instantaneous. Up until that very moment I was rather blasé about my lover - he wasn’t really my type after all and if I was completely honest, the main reason why I found him interesting in the first place was because he was, indeed, forbidden. I was fresh out of high school, aged 18 and he was my uni lecturer’s son and 30 years old. I didn’t really care about anything else - that was appealing enough to my rebellious young adult mind.

And yet, those magical words he said to me “We can’t fall in love” made me do exactly that - fall in love. (Or what I thought was love.) It’s as if they were enchanted and I had fallen under their all-consuming unbreakable spell.

“The moment he said “We can’t fall in love” made me do exactly that - fall in love with him.”

Firstly let’s establish that this is normal

If you’re fantasising about someone you shouldn’t be - you are really quite normal. Romantic/ sexual attraction is a natural yet complex physiological response to an attractive stimuli. Who and what that stimuli is, I’m afraid, is beyond your control.

Neuroscientists are still baffled why some things trigger one person’s pleasure centre in the brain and yet leaves another completely and utterly dry. My best friend of almost 30 years, for instance, feels giddy as a schoolgirl the moment she sees a young muscly guy. On the contrary, they actually repel me. How does that work?

Marketing peeps get it

An actual marketing strategy many companies employ nowadays is withholding a product or making it temporarily unavailable in order to drive its appeal for the consumer. By withholding the supply, the marketers drive the demand right up. It’s the same with the matters of the heart.

We don’t consciously choose to whom we are attracted to - it happens on its very own, and why and how it does is enigmatic not only for scientists and doctors, but even for hopelessly romantic blog writers, such as yours truly.

Whilst we don’t choose our attraction, we do choose if and how we act upon it.

“An actual marketing strategy many companies employ nowadays is withholding a product or making it temporarily unavailable in order to drive its appeal for the consumer.”

Stop telling yourself to stop it!

The human psyche is such that the more you resist, the more it persists. The more a flame is covered up, the hotter it will burn. Don’t believe me? Go tell your daughter not to hang out with that wayward boy from her class and see what happens next.

A prominent study done by Israeli & Stewart showed that people who were trying to reduce their calorie intake were more likely to think about high-calorie foods than their counterparts who weren’t put on any diet restrictions.

So stop telling yourself to stop fantasising about your “wrong person”. Stop it, I say!

“Don’t believe me? Go tell your daughter not to hang out with that wayward boy from her class and see what happens next.”

Suddenly I found myself in the midst of a torrid affair

Let’s get one thing straight here - there is no “suddenly” in life. You don’t “suddenly” become obese. In the same way, you don’t “suddenly” find yourself in the midst of a love affair. It takes time and many a moments of crossing lines which you drew in the sand on a windy day.

You cannot control your feelings, the heart wants what it wants, and the deeper you go, the less control you will have. How you act upon your feelings is the only thing you can control in this tricky situation. But be warned - the further down the rabbit hole that you go, the more distorted and blurry reality becomes.

“There is no “suddenly” in life. You don’t “suddenly” find yourself in the midst of a love affair. It takes time and many a moments of crossing lines which you drew in the sand on a windy day.”

9 reasons we fall for the wrong person

• We’re looking for validation
  “If only I obtain the unobtainable then I will really show that I am worthy.” When our sense of self-worth comes from external sources, the more difficult it is to obtain frugal affirmations, the more seemingly rewarding the end result will be.
  
  This is, of course, untrue and only leads to further deepen one’s sense of low self-esteem and reinforce the spiraling pattern of chasing value from a source that doesn’t have any value to give.
  
  
• We’re craving the thrill of the chase
  People who are used to getting what they want, especially in love, will quite often become addicted to the thrill of the chase. “Finally! Something unknown, unpredictable, something I get to chase.” I cannot tell you the amount of men I was interested in purely because they weren’t available.
  
  Human beings are exceedingly intelligent creatures (well…most) and thus challenges which demand a little more from us, stimulate the parts of our brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction and cravings. There is no greater aphrodisiac than not being able to have what you want right away.
  
  
• We’re commitment phobic
  Some people are afraid of relationships because they aren’t ready to settle down or because they have a fear their hearts will be broken once again. It is far safer to fall for someone who is unavailable than to actually let one’s guard down and be vulnerable, or settle in a serious relationship.
  
  
• We’re fetish fiends
  Forbidden love, in itself, can be a fantasy. Then add taboo characters like the student for the teacher, the boyfriend’s dad for the girl, the step-mum for the boy (the list is endless) and you’ve got yourself the makings of a delectable fetish right there. (Either that or the plot for a ‘Young and the Restless’ series.)
  
  
• We superhumanise them
  One of the most delightful things about attraction and love is that we often gravitate to those who have qualities we would like to possess ourselves. If you wish you were more spontaneous, subconsciously this type of person will draw your attention.
  
  This is all well and good and prompts self-growth; however, simultaneously it can lead us to the wrong person (think of women who go for bad-boys or men who look for a woman outside of their marriage to make them happy and satisfied) and can become a blind love scenario.
  
  
• We’re rejection junkies
  I’m sure you’ve heard some people say they prefer cats over dogs as they have a sense of self-respect and make their human pets, I mean owners, work for their love rather than chase them for it (as dogs do). Well, it’s the same for humans.
  
  At times, the hard-on people get from rejection can be tied to one’s experiences of not so pleasant moments in one’s history. We almost feel like we’re not worthy of love and appreciation, and so ensure that our theory of ourselves is confirmed by falling for the wrong person.
  
  
• We’re economists at heart
  We are taught early on that something which is scarce or high in demand is of greater value. Not entirely true - good quality Kanye West songs are scarce, this doesn’t mean they’re of high value. If one’s availability is restricted, this (according to the laws of economics) makes them more valuable to us.
  
  
• If we were a Smurf, we’d be Vanity Smurf
  Let me propose a question to you: which scenario would make your big fat ego even bigger and fatter? If the nice guy from the office, the one who is always around, the one no one really notices, paid attention to you? OR the happily married man who usually doesn’t notice you, the one all the girls are crazy about?
  
  “Imagine, if I was the one who got him to break and be with me! What would that say about me!” Oh you’d feel spesh for a while, but it wouldn’t last.
  
  
• There is no affable reason
  Sometimes the deep connection you feel with that wrong person is so profound that it quite simply cannot be denied. This, my friends, is a cruel fate I wouldn’t wish upon my greatest enemy.

So what now - are you doomed just because you fancy the wrong one?

Now that you know the why behind your obsession with the wrong person, what are you to do? Are you fated to be driven constantly to unavailable lovers? No way Jose! (I’m a dork, I know.)

If you want to be loved in return the way you deserve to be, you must ask yourself if you fall into one of the above 9 reasons and which one. Do you want to be with them because you’re needy for validation or because you’re feeling inadequate and lost? And above all else, ask yourself: are you truly in love? What you do next will depend very much on your answer.

If your fantasy is based on desire alone, know that through repeated exposure your desire will eventually lessen. The novelty wears off and dopamine’s rewarding properties are no longer satisfying enough.

“If your desire is based on desire alone, after repeated exposure the novelty wears off and dopamine’s rewarding properties are no longer satisfying enough.”

You’re in love, should you confess?

Openly acknowledging your forbidden secret could damage the connections you hold dear. Speaking with a trusted friend or family member who knows you well, or a therapist, is a good place to start.

We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry, but I’m a firm believer that if we speak with our hearts and ask those pivotal questions of ourselves, pending on the answers, action should be taken. The pursuit of forbidden fruit holds great risks to all involved. The consequences are not always only emotional, they can be professional and physical too.

Sadly for those who broke off their marriage because of the affair, the thrill of the forbidden lover can die once the taboo nature of it is removed.

“The side-effects of falling for the wrong one are not always only emotional, they can be professional and physical too.”

What would I know?

I have, on a few occasions, fallen for the wrong guy… The married guy… At times it was merely desire, and other times something far greater - love. It was soul destroying to hear the silence when I pleaded with the gods above and asked them why - why had they sent me the right guy at the wrong time? What was the point of this cruel collision that was our union?

In time, heaven’s deafening silence was replaced with a calm inner knowing. A knowing that this was yet another opportunity for me to learn something about myself, about my life. I stopped wondering “If only….” about those wrong married men and started living a life which actually provided availability and love. What could be more fulfilling?

I learnt much by falling for the wrong guy. I learnt that matters of the heart are never smooth sailing. I learnt that desire is never worth the loss and heartache which almost always ensues. I learnt what the wrong guy looked like and why he was wrong and I learnt what the right guy looked like and what made him right. I learnt that I deserve better and that it’s OK to ask for it. And, perhaps most of all, I learnt that I am my own greatest soul mate and that the very thing I was searching outside of me, was always with me - in me.

Now I would LOVE to hear from all of you! I’m so certain that this is a topic almost all of you will be an expert on. Share your story with us below. I will be sure to read and reply.

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.