Wax on, wax off!

Or is that just me?

Whether it be a boring little tealight that lasts two seconds or one of those fancy ass soy concoctions with lavender and rosemary leaves floating around in the wax, I’ve always had a fascination with candles. They smell nice (mostly), come in every shape and size you can think of and often look good enough to eat (but don’t, even the soy ones have a nasty aftertaste, as 8-year-old me sadly discovered.)

So, if you can’t eat them, what else can you do with these decorative wonders other than look at them and think strangely intense thoughts?

Well, well, well, here’s where things get interesting!

Ever heard of wax play? It’s exactly what it sounds like! Those keen for a little heat in their playtime routine pour hot wax on each other and revel in the glorious sensation of warmth. Sounds fun right? I thought so too, but as a gal who values her safety (as well as her delicate skin) I figured it was best to get a lesson from the masters before I jumped feet first into a waxy dilemma.

Nobody wants to explain to the emergency nurse why your nipples are singed and you have wax… in all the wrong places.

After a little research, I discovered the gem that is Kink College, an organisation dedicated to schooling newbies like me in all sorts of kinky shenanigans for the express reason of freeing up hospital beds. Well, that and for fun of course, but safe fun above all.

There was a choice of wax workshop levels and I went straight for Wax Play 102, because let’s face it, 101 is for pussies. Go hard or go home I say. Little did I know that this wax would go oh so hard and make it quite the mission to get home!

But I’m jumping ahead, let’s take a step back and regroup at the beginning. This workshop required a partner, so I asked my friend from work, the luscious Laticia to accompany me. What are work friends for, right? And if you try to tell me that you’ve never pictured Beryl from Accounts half-naked and covered in fluorescent wax, then you’re straight up lying peeps.

So, yoga mats in hand, we rocked up to the workshop, ready to be immersed in kink culture and waxy goodness.

As soon as we walked in, we knew it was going to be epic. When the place is covered in tarps and hot wax bubbles away in every corner of the room you expect a wild night… Or a mass murder, but these guys looked nice enough.

And then they pulled out their knives.

Huh. Oh well, it’s as good a way to go as any!

After a dangerous assortment of knives had been laid out on the table before us, and all 15 couples had taken their seats, it was time to start. Our brave team of educators (named Napalm and Shadow, so cool!) introduced themselves and let us know we were in for a forty-minute discussion on the basics and then all hell was going to break loose!

Ok, I may be exaggerating, but I was very, very excited by this point.

First, we learnt about the different types of candles and how hot you should keep your wax. Turns out for newbies or people who aren’t so keen on steaming hot showers, around 40 degrees is best, up to about 48 degrees. However, many candles’ melting points can be much, much higher so you have to be very careful before you slosh that shit all over someone.

To be safe with wax, our leaders advised at least a 30-centimetre gap between the pourer and the recipient to give the wax enough time to cool.

Unless of course you love that sweet, sweet burn and don’t mind the odd blister or three. Then you can go for it at any distance.

As it turns out soy wax has a lower melting point than paraffin and is a good choice for newbies. There are also blended mixes that vary in temperature and set on the skin differently. So much choice!

As I was pondering my next trip to Dusk and the delightfully awkward questions I might ask (so, how does this one feel on your nipples? Which candle is best for a raging hot sex session, but you know, still pretty?) we were told what candles were a definite no, no, complete with fear-inducing antidotes. It turns out that dinner candles, (the long skinny ones that rich people with candle holders use for their fancy dinner parties) are the absolute worst to use. Why? Well here’s where horrible story comes in. These dinner candles can burn so hot and at such an angle when dripped on people that the wax can actually catch fire. At a swing party a woman being suspended had candles dripped on her and the wax was so hot it melted the tarp beneath her.

Ouch….Just… Ouch.

So to help us leave the workshop with memories rather than PTSD, we were shown a very useful tool. The wax thermometer. We were advised to dip this into the wax pots BEFORE pouring it on our partners, rather than dripping a little and gauging the temperature from their screams.

Interestingly, kinksters also appear to possess kleptomaniac tendencies, as 17 thermometers were stolen at the last workshop.

Kinky and sneaky, what a mix!

Next up was the lesson on wax and mucous membranes. Pretty short really, the two don’t mix well. Best not to drink it, pour it in your vag, down your penis, up your ass, you know, all the fun places. Although, as our leaders advised, it has definitely been done. I shuddered internally at the thought of the bearded clam being waxed shut.

Luckily for me I’d come prepared and was wearing two pairs of undies.

Foolproof!

Lastly, it was time for a super fun topic, blood borne viruses! (The crowd goes wild.) Again here it was mainly the basics of how to not spread HIV and Hepatitis. Standard fair really, until I heard one of the most fabulous phrases of the night. As Napalm, our fearless leader, discussed the possibility of removing wax with a sharp knife and what to do if an accident happened and blood got on the knife, he uttered my new mantra.

“If it’s sticky, don’t lick it!”

Clearly, not advisable in all sexual situations (quite the opposite actually!) But with that little gem of advice we finally got into the practical part of the night!

First up was a demonstration by Napalm and his lovely partner who stripped down to her g-string in the blink of an eye.

Before we knew it, the lights had been turned off and it was only the black lights remaining. The wax now revealed its fluorescent glow and we all shifted in our seats with excitement. I looked around me and was startled to see nothing but the glow of teeth as the blacklight exposed everyone’s Cheshire cat grins.

Resting her weight on what I can only assume was a spanking bench, Shadow leaned forward a little, back towards us, in preparation for her dousing.

Napalm came forward with the first pot of wax and slowly but surely poured it over Shadow's shoulder. We watched, transfixed, as it slowly travelled down her shoulder blade, into the small of her back and gently dripped over her perfectly rounded ass.

Aaaaaaaaaand I’m adding black lights and candles to my Christmas wish list! Sexy secret Santa anyone?

It was truly mesmerising and incredibly relaxing just to watch the process take place. Listening to her little intakes of breath as the wax went on, followed by her contented sighs as it cooled and hardened was oddly satisfying, as if we were experiencing the sensation right along with her. Napalm added a few more colours and suddenly she became a delectable piece of art. Truly I have never seen an ass framed as beautifully as hers was.

Suddenly the show was over and it was go time!

We lay down our yoga mats and started to undress. I looked around nervously, unsure of what was the ‘right’ level of nakedness. I wanted to strip down to just my undies but I noticed many women were leaving their bras on. I sighed, lamenting the loss of waxy nipples as well as the uncomfortable concept of my bra slowly filling with hot wax and imprisoning my chesticles in a bounce free zone.

Laticia had run to the toilet to pee quickly before wax made that an impossibility and I waited for her directly in front of a black light. Before long I noticed a few people staring at me. I looked behind me, but there was nothing but a brick wall. I looked back and a few more people had joined in the stare fest, most of them smiling, which I guess was a good thing?

And then I looked down.

Ohhhhhh I see!

Turns out when you wear white undies and a bra to a black light party you have no choice but to be the star of the show. Everyone else’s black lingerie blended into the dim room. I, on the other hand, shone like a beacon of kinkiness. ‘Come! Wax me up!”

Turns out Laticia heard the call. “At least you’re easy to find!” She giggled.

I looked at Laticia, she looked at me, and then I asked the most important question of the night.

“Bra’s on or off?”

“Off!”

Jesus, Mary and Joseph’s holy house of tinsel! This was happening!

We whipped our bra’s off and I grabbed a tub of wax.

“Ready?” I asked, as Laticia stood nervously under my gaze. She nodded hesitantly, and I began to pour.

The noise that emanated from her was pure pleasure. As close to a human purr as I have ever heard!

“Soooo, good?” I asked.

Laticia nodded again, this time eager as a adolescent waiting for his pirated adult erotica to download. I poured again, allowing more wax to cover her. She wriggled in delight and I started to experiment. She lay down and I poured it down her knees.

Very nice.

She stood up and I poured it over her neck until it sploshed over her boobs.

Multo Bueno.

I grabbed a little brush and spackled it over her back like an artist in a creative frenzy. (And yes, many, many Jackson Pollock jokes were made in that room.)

She liked, she liked very much.

Now that Laticia was covered head to toe in multicoloured paint and shone like she’d just been attacked by a plague of plankton, I was starting to feel very left out with my boring white undies.

Now it was my turn! I stood very still as Laticia carefully poured bright green wax across my shoulder blades.

Oh dear god in heaven, the sweet, sweet deliciousness of that feeling!

I could completely understand Laticia’s purrs of pleasure, it was amazing! Imagine if you will, receiving a golden shower, but with a blocked nose.

It was just like that! A delectably warm trickle running across your skin. Just without the afterthought of “Jesus Gary, lay off the asparagus!”

Get the picture?

Laticia trailed it across my nipples and I squeaked in delight, revelling as the warm wax set hard and settled in all sorts of places.

As she continued to drench me with waxy goodness, I was grateful for my decision to double up on underwear. As the wax dribbled its way downwards towards my sweet spots (it's those mucous membranes again!), I felt my first layer of cotton trapping it before it travelled too far.

Wax play is fun for sure, but I didn’t want to be spending the rest of the night peeling my flaps apart.

As it was, my ass cheeks were dangerously close to full wax capacity and as fun as an anal candle souvenir sounded, I didn’t want to have to explain that to the boyfriend when he would inevitably have to help me remove it.

Luckily for me, it was time to start cleaning up. I looked at the clock and was surprised to see it was only 10.15pm, and there was still 45 minutes left of the class.

However it soon became apparent that we would need that whole 45 minutes!

Wax is awesome to pour on, but a massive pain in the pesqueeter to get off! We used alcohol wipes, baby wipes, plastic knives, rulers and a will of iron, but the damn stuff just stuck like glue!

We had been told that it all comes off with water so we decided a shower at home was the best bet.

However, getting home was the next challenge, only made more difficult by a trip to the Macca’s drive through. (Ok, maybe that wasn’t essential, but you really can’t beat a post wax cheeseburger.) We eased on our shirts, covering them in wax, before hobbling barefoot to the car and covering the seats in yet more wax.

The next day, as I vacuumed the car for the third time, I thought back on the night before. From the amazing spectacle of seeing people become sexy works of art, observing the terrified look of the 16-year-old behind the counter at Macca’s, to the hour-long shower and assistance that was required to remove the remaining wax and the draino that was then required to remove the wax from the pipes, I’d say it was a pretty good night.

Wax play is messy, mellow, exciting, confronting, artistic and awesome. But did I mention it was messy?

Messy or not, if you’ve got a spare weekend, a few black lights and some tarps lying around, I would definitely recommend it!

Enjoy!

Written by Claire W.